


To Protect Your Smile

by sevennotes



Category: Free!
Genre: Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hiyori is just having a really bad day, Ikuya to the rescue, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Touch-Starved Hiyori, a LOT of self-hatred oops, can sort of be read as pre-hiyoiku, sad Hiyori, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-03
Updated: 2019-01-03
Packaged: 2019-10-03 05:15:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,998
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17277749
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sevennotes/pseuds/sevennotes
Summary: Ikuya’s brow furrows deeply and the expression on his face… it’s like he cares.Cares about Hiyori.“Hey…Hiyori… are you really ok?”-------------------Or alternatively, a fic where Hiyori is having a horrible day and doesn't want Ikuya to know about it whatsoever.Things don't always go to plan, however, and maybe it all turns out for the better.(Idk how to summarize this I'm really sorry)





	To Protect Your Smile

**Author's Note:**

> So I wrote this in literally a day, hence why it's really badly written and probably full of mistakes. It’s pretty much a vent fic but I also love to see my faves suffer so…sorry Hiyori, my love.
> 
> This is sort of pre-relationship and the title was inspired by the lyrics of the HiyoIku duet (aka the most romantic free! duet in existence)
> 
> I also imagine it takes place somewhere after Haru and Ikuya’s race and before Hiyori started hanging out with the Iwatobi gang.
> 
> That’s enough rambling for now! I hope you enjoy reading >-<

He feels five years old again, in an empty house. No one to distract him from his own thoughts.

 

Thoughts that are eating him alive.

 

He doesn’t get this bad often. Usually, he’s able to distract himself with swim practice, books or college work. Sometimes though, on days like today, it's all too much and he feels as though he can’t breathe, smothered by his thoughts- and he finds he has no energy to even attempt a smile. In fact, it’s all he can do to sit upright and slowly type out the class assignment that's due in a few days time. He’s still in his pyjamas too. He glances at the clock and sighs. 6:00pm. He still hasn’t eaten yet but he can't muster up the energy to cook anything, let alone go to a convenience store. Not when he’s feeling like this.

 

Hiyori glances once more at the word document where he's hardly written half a page and with another sigh, shuts his laptop closed. There’s no point continuing since he’s getting absolutely nowhere on the assignment. He’s still got a few days after all.

 

He glances sideways at his phone on the nightstand, seeing his mother’s name popping up in his notifications. She has only recently begun texting him, although it’s usually a text or two every couple of weeks. It had started since his parents split a couple of months ago (after his father had been caught with another woman). He supposes she’s feeling lonely.

 

Hiyori smiles bitterly at the thought-how ironic. Sometimes, he doesn’t know whether to be grateful or not for the divorce. His mother now pays more attention to him than she ever did, even if he knows she doesn’t _care_ about him, not really. She had sent him an email (of all things) letting him know about his father months after they had separated and hadn’t bothered to ask how he felt about it. Not that he would have known how to answer them. He feels as though he hardly knows them and come to think of it, he doesn't even know where they are right now. The thought prods at the hurt that he has been festering for a while. He supposes that's partly his fault since he’s told no one about it. Not even Ikuya. But he quickly dismisses the thought-he’s never been great with his own emotions anyway. And he would hate for Ikuya to worry about him

 

He grabs his phone and sees that his mother has sent him a picture of some beach. Hiyori rolls his eyes. Since the divorce, she’s clearly been busy trying to forget her trashy ex-husband and “find herself” by travelling. Hiyori huffs out another laugh. Figures she would fuck off to another country instead of visiting her son.

 

Well, there's no use thinking about it now when it has always been that way, Hiyori thinks. He responds simply, knowing that she will likely not check his message for a while, and throws in a couple of emojis to please her. He tries not to think about it too much, but he has to admit it is a little comforting to know that she occasionally thinks of him from time to time. It is then that Hiyori notices another notification, a text sent five minutes ago. It’s from Ikuya.

 

Ikuya, who is spending the day with his friends from Iwatobi-with Haru. Ikuya, who is now smiling and laughing freely like he’s never been before. And while Hiyori is truly happy that Ikuya is gifting him with his gorgeous smile again and has light once more in his eyes-he can’t help but feel the hollowness in his chest intensifying. He smiles again because of Haru, not because of Hiyori.

 

Nevermind that he has been by Ikuya’s side for years and tried everything in his power to help him smile again. To be the hero that Ikuya was (and still is) to him. But he’s never been enough and probably never will be. Because in the end, it is one swim, one damn race with Haru- _Haru Haru_ ** _Haru_** \- that revives Ikuya’s soul, gives him a new group of friends, gives him the strength to rekindle his relationship with Natsuya. 

 

Ikuya is surrounded by people who love him and Hiyori finds himself wanting so badly that he _aches_ with it.

 

But he knows he doesn't deserve it. As much as he has tried to help Ikuya, he knows that he has also hurt him. He has treated Ikuya and his friends terribly, all out of his own strange protectiveness and selfishness (and deep down, he knows some of it was fear of being left behind...of ending up alone again). He considers himself lucky that Ikuya still talks to him and now begins to consider him a friend despite it all.

Still, Hiyori can't find it within him to forgive himself-he doesn't deserve it- and so he does what he does best: isolates himself despite Ikuya’s extended invitations. He knows they cannot be wholly genuine and he understands. Really, he does. He wouldn’t want himself there either if he were Ikuya. And he knows his presence is unwanted by Ikuya's friends, despite the slightly stilted yet welcoming front they put up. He would rather leave his best friend to his newfound happiness than intrude on it. If it’ll make Ikuya smile, he’d do anything.

 

He shakes himself out of his thoughts and opens the text.

 

 _On my way back. Want me to pick anything up?_ -Ikuya

 

Hiyori curses and practically leaps out of bed, hastily grabbing the first pair of sweats and t-shirt he can find in his wardrobe before pulling them on. He slips on his socks one-handed and replies to Ikuya with the other.

 

 _Sorry I didn’t see your text earlier! I was studying. We’ve run out of milk. Would you mind picking some up? Thank you, Ikuya_ -Hiyori

 

That’ll buy him a few minutes more at least.

 

Hiyori runs to the bathroom and quickly begins brushing out his bed head, as well as washing his face and brushing his teeth. He would rather die than let Ikuya see him like this. Even if he wants to do nothing more than lie in bed and wallow- he can’t. He needs to get himself together, needs to stop feeling like this at once. Others have it worse- Ikuya has gone through so much more. Hiyori has no right to feel this way, no right at all to feel this upset over the things that he deserves. For failing himself every single day, but more importantly for failing Ikuya with his pathetic and worthless presence and his-

 

Hiyori feels his bottom lip tremble slightly around his toothbrush and his eyes sting.

 

No. No no no no no. He won’t. Absolutely not. Ikuya is on his way and will be here any minute. Suck it up and deal with it. Slap on a smile and be ready for him. He takes a few deep breaths and rinses out his mouth. There. Crisis averted. He can't seem to shake off the hollowness, still swallowing a little around the lump in his throat. But it’s better than tears. He can't hide those.

 

His phone buzzes again.

 

 _No problem. Be there in 5_ -Ikuya.

 

The little smile that had formed upon reading Ikuya’s text fades as he catches sight of himself in the mirror. God, he’s hideous. He looks terrible. Pale and drawn and his hair still isn’t fully brushed down but he truly can’t bring himself to do anymore. This will do. It's not like Ikuya will notice anyway, right? Not when Hiyori has gotten so much better at masking his feelings. To prove his point, he holds his own gaze in the mirror steadily and musters up his biggest (and most fake) smile - the one he’s known for as long as he can remember. It’s the best he can do.

 

After quickly making his bed, he picks up the novel he has spent the last few months trying to finish and settles onto the couch, staring blankly at the words on the page and trying his best to look relaxed and casual.

 

Deep breaths, shoulders down and back, smile in place. Perfect.

 

As if on cue, he hears the key in the lock and the shuffle of shoes being left in the genkan. Moments later, Ikuya pops his head around the door, calling out a greeting. Hiyori steels himself for a split second before turning around with a smile.

 

“Hey, Ikuya. Did you have fun?”

 

“Yeah. I went to that cafe you recommended with Haru and the others, it was nice”. He disappears into the kitchen and Hiyori is thankful he doesn’t see his expression at that moment.

 

Haru and the others.

 

Haru.

 

And the others.

 

Haru. Always Haru. Haru Haru H-

 

“So you really do listen to my recommendations...I hope you tried the pistachio tarts I told you about!”

 

Ikuya hesitantly steps out of the kitchen, confusion written on his face as he squints a little at Hiyori in suspicion.

 

His skin prickles under the scrutiny.

 

“Something wrong, Ikuya?”

 

“We have milk. Two whole cartons of it”.

 

Hiyori’s stomach bottoms out.

 

“What do you mean?’’

 

“There are two whole cartons of milk already there, why did you ask me for another?”

 

“O-oh…is that so?” Hiyori forces out a chuckle. “Silly me. Must have forgotten.” He mentally berates himself for the tiny shake in his voice and tries to return to his book as casually as possible.

 

He hears tentative footsteps (quiet, Ikuya is always so quiet when he walks) and suddenly Ikuya is beside him, stepping into his space.

 

“Are you feeling alright?”

 

Hiyori can feel himself panicking a little. But he is nothing if not skilled in his craft, and he plasters on a confused grin.

 

“Of course I am? I really just forgot Ikuya. Sorry for making you go to the store when y-“

 

A hand.

 

Ikuya’s hand is warm on his forehead and he feels the breath rush out of his lungs. All he can do is stare up at Ikuya helplessly, hoping that his expression isn’t giving away the chaos warring away inside him or the thoughts stuttering to a halt in his head.

 

Ikuya hums a little “Well, it doesn’t seem like you have a fever or anything so..”

 

Suddenly, the dam Hiyori has spent so long trying to subdue feels as though it is about to burst. His breath hitches and his eyes sting horribly and he feels more panic welling up. He doesn’t know why he's suddenly losing control of himself like this, but Ikuya is looking at him so softly and the gentle touch on his forehead is the sweetest thing he has ever felt and he has a sudden, awful, terrible urge to wrap his arms around Ikuya- to be wrapped up, to be held. He can’t even remember the last time anyone had given him a hug…

 

Ikuya’s brow furrows deeply and the expression on his face… it’s like he _cares._

 

Cares about Hiyori.

 

“Hey…Hiyori… are you really ok?”

 

That does it.

 

Hiyori can’t even attempt to stop the tears that are pouring out, the hiccup that escapes his chest or his face from crumpling horrendously. All he can do is swallow down the sobs as best he can and move an arm up to cover his face that is steadily flushing red from embarrassment.

 

“I…s-sorry Ikuya….I….” It’s pathetic. _He’s_ pathetic. He can’t even get the sentence out without choking on his rapidly hitching breaths. So he snaps his mouth shut- the last thing he wants is to start sobbing for real…

 

Minutes pass in silence as he struggles to swallow down his emotions to no avail, gasping for breath and fighting for composure. What makes the situation worse is the pure, unadulterated shock he can feel radiating from Ikuya. And most likely the disgust- Ikuya is surely looking for a way to escape, Hiyori thinks, he wouldn’t want to be stuck with himself either. With a snivelling, pathetic excuse for a friend-

 

Another hand wraps around his wrist, pulling it away from his face, and he can hardly make out Ikuya’s worried expression through the blurriness of tears before he feels himself being tugged forwards, an arm wrapping around his back and another hand cupping the back of his head. They don’t stop pulling until Hiyori’s face is nestled snuggly into Ikuya’s shoulder- forcing Hiyori’s brain to a stuttering stop. For a moment, he feels too startled to even cry.

Never. Never in a million years did he ever think anything like this would happen- that his best friend would wrap him up so tenderly, holding on gently like he was something precious and breakable, shyly rubbing circles into his back.

 

It’s-

 

It’s too much. Too overwhelming, yet its everything he’s ever dreamed of. He wants to shy away from the touch, push Ikuya to the ground and yell at him- make him hate Hiyori even more than he probably already does (like Hiyori deserves). At the same time, he wants to hold on tightly and never let go, wants to make himself tiny, fold himself into Ikuya’s warmth and live there forever.

 

He settles for shakily returning the embrace, his trembling hands fisting themselves in Ikuya’s jacket. He can’t stop his shoulders from tensing and shaking just as hard as his hands. Tears continue to leak out, but he stays silent. He feels like he’s going to shake apart in this sweet hold, especially when Ikuya begins to speak ever so gently in his ear.

 

“Shh, it’s alright. You’ll be ok, Hiyori” his voice tapers off into a quiet mumble and Hiyori almost wants to smile. Ikuya’s growing embarrassment is practically tangible.

 

“I-I’m here…”

 

Hiyori feels truly ruined. He’s wanted to hear those words all his life. He’s wanted to be held like this all his life. He can’t. It’s too much. And before he can stop it, an ugly sound escapes his throat, somewhere in between a whimper and a sob. He feels Ikuya stiffen a little and expects him to pull away. To push Hiyori off of him, tell him what a nuisance he’s surely being. Instead, he is squeezed tighter and his back is rubbed with more confidence. It breaks what little is left of his composure and the next moment, Hiyori is outright sobbing.

 

His cries feel like they are being ripped out of his body, leaving him absolutely mortified with embarrassment. He can’t remember the last time he cried this hard and it most certainly had never been in the vicinity of another person. He feels terrible for desperately clutching Ikuya to him, for staining his clothes with tears and god know what else. For burdening him with this, when he has suffered more and Hiyori has only ever suffered what he deserves- but he can't find the strength to stop.

 

His shoulders jump violently with every gasping sob and he tries to calm down, to make himself quiet but its so hard when he feels so raw. It doesn't help that Ikuya is shushing him so gently and practically cooing in his ear, making him feel cared for….and loved.

 

He cries for what feels like hours and after a while, his breaths are no longer heaving, but stuttering. The tears are still flowing but its slower now too.

 

Ikuya is still murmuring softly to him and his voice is so soothing that Hiyori almost feels like falling asleep. He probably would if he wasn’t so ashamed of himself. He wants to say something but finds himself at a total loss. He needs to pull away, pull himself together. He opens his mouth to brush this whole thing off (maybe Ikuya will roll with it, pretend this whole thing never happened) but as soon as he opens his mouth, he is interrupted.

 

“If you say that you’re fine…I’m going to get really mad.”

 

A sudden laugh bubbles from Hiyori’s chest and he is as surprised by it as Ikuya seems to be. He untangles himself from his friend, leaning back to smile at him. Although he knows he must look horrific. He can still feel the remnants of tears rolling down his cheeks.

 

“You know me so well, Ikuya.” He catches sight of the mess he’s made of Ikuya’s jacket and winces.

 

“ah…I..I’m sorry about that” he gestures weakly to the mess and vaguely to himself.

 

Ikuya shakes his head wordlessly and makes a move as though to brush away the tears on his cheeks but stops himself. Hiyori is honestly glad. He doesn’t think he could take another gentle touch like that without bursting into tears all over again.

 

Instead, Ikuya smiles. It’s small and sad and regretful- but genuine. And Hiyori takes a moment to thank whatever force is out there that Ikuya can smile like this again.

 

“Don’t apologize. I'm glad you can finally cry in front of me. You’ve been hurting all this time too, and I never saw it.”

 

Hiyori shakes his head wordlessly. He knows everything is his fault. He should have been there for Ikuya more often, done more to help. He should never have hurt him the way he did. But before he can verbally protest, Ikuya takes his breath away for what feels like the hundredth time that evening.

 

“I’m sorry for that. But I’m here now alright? I'm here for you, Hiyori. You’re not alone anymore either.” Ikuya’s face is practically flaming and Hiyori sniffles one last time before grinning.

 

They still have a lot to talk through and feelings to sort out but for the first time, Hiyori feels as though they can work through it.

 

His smile grows. It’s almost funny how those few words can make him feel so light.

 

“You could fry an egg on your face right now, Ikuya’’

 

“Hey! Sh-shut up!”

**Author's Note:**

> I hope I was able to do these boys justice...
> 
> Thank you so much for reading!
> 
> update: 18/06/19 - i did a little editing throughout this fic and tried to fix a couple of things that were really annoying me! i feel like it reads a little better now...grammar and structure? idk her


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